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April 8th, 2015 The Beast Complex

April 8th, 2015 The Beast Complex

Sometimes, when I catch my reflection in a window, I pause and stare. It's not a vanity thing, it's a "that's me in there, that's what I look like now, even if my brain doesn't fully agree--there is reality, staring back at me." And it's great. But it's different than before. It's truly different.
photo Reflection_zpsy7gp115f.jpg
When I see my reflection, it might take a few seconds to adjust my perception of the physical--but then I can see the other stuff inside me. Instead of getting caught up in the dang, I look thin mindset, I immediately go into the this is what recovery, food sobriety, abstinence from sugar, giving and receiving strong support and taking extraordinary care looks like and feels like, mindset.

I've learned a bunch of powerful lessons along this road and one of the biggest is all about the difference between what's fun and slightly important and what's most meaningful and critically important.

Once upon a time, I kept a keen eye out for potential romantic relationships, because I wanted to feel desired, loved and in my clouded perception, I wanted a kind of confirmation of my attractiveness. At my heaviest it was automatic for me to consider myself very unattractive, at times, repulsive, hideous even. I call it "The Beast Complex." Right or wrong, doesn't matter, it was my perception. And no amount of weight loss success or compliments along the way, possessed enough power to eradicate this complex.

In that 'I'm hideous, look away' mindset, every important thing about me was ignored, in favor of this shallow, self-critical beast perception. Coming from that horrible mental place, then transforming into something dramatically different had enormous potential for trouble. And thanks to this inner struggle, I've found plenty of it since my divorce nearly five years ago. A pattern developed, looking external for something found exclusively internal.

Love and acceptance for oneself is a solid prerequisite to a successful relationship. Looking for someone to somehow provide this via their attraction or anything else, is a tragic mistake because it's an impossible task to ask of anyone. It's horribly unfair and in my experience, never ends well. 

Over the last year, everything has changed. My perception continues to shift in a direction giving me an entirely different outlook. Now, I don't need confirmation of anything. I'm more confident in who I am and what I'm all about, than ever before--and it continues to strengthen.

When I see my reflection these days, a whole new set of thoughts and priorities come to mind. And for this, I'm truly grateful. This self love and acceptance I'm nurturing and growing gives me a more balanced foundation for pursuing my personal and professional goals--the things I'm most passionate about, none of which involve finding a relationship. The whole relationship thing will happen someday down the road, I'm sure. Right now, I'm perfectly content giving myself and the things critically important to me, undivided attention. It's about time. And oh, what a wonderful time!
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My entire schedule today was fashioned around the expectation of severe weather coverage duty this evening. When I realized the threat would come later than expected, I quickly made my way to the Y for the elliptical and weights. My fear was the storms moving in might cause me to miss my workout altogether.

I was able to get my workout and dinner complete before needing to report to the studio. The coverage tonight has kept me up much later than expected, but still--I feel great about getting my exercise and taking extraordinary care in the food department. It might be late, but it was a good day.

My Tweets Today:


















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

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