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June 21st, 2015 I'm Fearful

June 21st, 2015 I'm Fearful

I'm a little embarrassed, actually, about how I handled the whole anonymous comment thing yesterday. My sensitivity level is much less these days, it really is.

Still, as I discovered yesterday, I'm very human and can get super sensitive really fast, especially if it's over something I care a great deal about. If there's an element of truth in it and I feel lacking in that particular area, yes--I'm quick to get defensive and overreact. 

The element of truth from yesterday's post wasn't the "thin and perfect" part. I'm not that! The element of truth was the fact that I've had several posts lately where I got behind and didn't communicate/interact in the comments section.

Keeping a line of communication open and interacting--answering questions and simply saying thank you, IS VERY important to me. I've dropped the ball in that department of late. And I'll do better.

In the comments section of yesterday's post, I learned that the anonymous poster, whom I assumed was a passer-by, unfamiliar with what I'm about---turned out to be a long time reader and supporter, invested enough to pray for me during my disappearance from these pages a few years ago.

The comment I made a big deal out of wasn't meant in a mean spirited way. It was tongue in cheek, playful--instead I chose to take it pointed, hurtful and literal. Then, after allowing myself to get all up in a tizzy--I took it to the blog and made an even bigger deal about it. I made a mistake.

You know, sometimes it's too easy to take ourselves a little too seriously. The hope is, to be able to recognize this before it turns into something worthy of apologizing for later.

It's all in the perspective we choose, right?

I still don't know who the anonymous reader was and that's okay. I accused them of being judgmental and assumptive--yet, that's exactly what I was doing to them. Interesting, huh?

It was an honest mistake. I hope they come back and visit. The most important part of this entire journey is straight ahead.
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So what's been bothering me lately? Honestly, I'm feeling very happy. But at the same time, vulnerable.

This increased feeling of vulnerability really started when I revealed the loose skin pictures. And it's strange, because I'm at a seemingly great place with that. I sat poolside last night with my shirt off in front of people--and cars driving by on the four lane just outside the pool. Truly, I've grown.

But still, it (sharing those photos) was a new level of letting go and being okay with me, all of me--and I'm finding it's something best done a little at a time...at least, for me. 

And in all honesty, I might come off as cool and collected--balanced and ready for maintenance mode--and I truly believe I'm better prepared than ever before---but still, I'm fearful.

I don't want to ever go back, but I know better than to ever expect that as a given...so I pay close attention to my emotions--I make sure I'm doing the things in my recovery that I must do in order to be successful--and still, even with the peace and calm it all brings, I'm fearful.

Maybe I need to re-frame this fearfulness into "reverence," "respect" and "sacred consideration."

I honestly feel like I'm there--seriously, my commitment to abstinence from sugar and my overall food sobriety is super strong. What do I fear?

And for me, maybe a small portion of fear is a good thing. I'm certainly in a better place mentally and emotionally than I was before, at this point.

Maybe the absence of fear was one of my biggest problems when I hit goal in November 2010. I was too busy declaring how much "I got this" and "I'm never going back," and yeah... Famous last words, huh? The recklessness of that train of thought has been seared into my brain.

I'm going to proceed carefully. I'm going to take the best care I can. I'm going to stay active and committed to these writings. I'm going to stay connected in recovery and support. And I'm going to do all of these things, as best I can. 

By God's grace and the tremendous power of support, accountability and a completely different perspective on what recovery means, for me, along this road... Maybe I'll be just fine, after all.

I hope and pray so.
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photo With Amber fathers day_zpstmofv4ys.jpg
I had a wonderful Father's Day! Amber took me out for lunch. We enjoyed a bunch of laughs, great conversation and good food! And of course--some selfies! I spoke with Courtney via phone and she wished me a Happy Father's Day. Courtney and I will see one another tomorrow, instead of today. I'm very blessed and grateful to be the father for two of the most loving, beautiful and smart young ladies. I'm lucky beyond measure.

I enjoyed some great food today, exceeded my water goal by 32oz, exercised like a beast on the elliptical and stayed active in giving and receiving support. I maintained the integrity of my food plan and I made the time to give thanks for the tremendous blessings in my life. I would have to say, it's been a really good day.

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

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